it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
relationship goals
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”