Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”