it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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True statement👍😏😁
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
That 👊
Candles never taste the way they smell
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles