Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Ummm 😳

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

then why did i get this email

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

How funny!