it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
We’ve all been there…
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.