Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

Meowchelangelo

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

100% of divorces begin with marriage.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.