Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

👽

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.