it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
You Might Also Like
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada