Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear