Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Sorted

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I finally found a reason to live again.