It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.