Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

Who chose this font

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”

*and I was like _whatever_*

I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.