Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday