It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
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A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste