@Eightinchgoat

It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.

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@jamiesont

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*

@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

@PhilJamesson

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

@TheDailyEdge

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

@Cpin42

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

@Browtweaten

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent