Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
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Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: I have a Crush on you
Wife: Get that soda off of my head