I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Strange
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed