It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.

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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.


Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY


Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*


Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.


7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]


The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word


Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.


me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place


her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent