it was love at first sight
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.