it was love at first sight
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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”