it was love at first sight
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.