Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.