It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
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Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”