it was love at first sight
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here