“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I only eat vegetarians.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Penguins walking in 5x speed