“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Childbirth is so beautiful
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit