It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.