Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton