It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
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Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines