It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Love it! 👍😂
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.