Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

not seeing the problem

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head