Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”