It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Knock Knock
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer