Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great