It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
You Might Also Like
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.