It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The photographer’s assistant
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.