Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me