It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
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my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)