Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

I’d … I’d rather not.

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.