Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you