It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
ok this is my dumbest yet
wishing you and yours all the best
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
