Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

choose your gary

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Get off my horse you stupid moon

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

this is what they would have looked like, though