It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
You Might Also Like
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My favorite female superhero
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD