@UncleDuke1969

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

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@SergioValenCo

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

@UnFitz

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@TheUnrealMattR

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

@thentherewasmo

Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12