It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.


I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.


I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.


The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.


Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,


Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12