It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
When he asks for feet pics
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.