It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
#parenting
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
#parenting
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron