Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

😭😭😭

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you