It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*