Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

seems fine

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle