Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Me if I was a dog

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.