NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.
Cooking = 1 hour
Eating = 5 mins
Dishes = 3 days
What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?
Asking for my two year old.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie