@Conchvegas1

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

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@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@clichedout

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

@ddsmidt

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

@AbbieEvansXO

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@mstluvstrinkets

What’s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?

Asking for my two year old.

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@fluffysuse

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie