It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
The Friday File.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.