It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
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18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE