Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

The legends were true

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*