It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
mood
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back