It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices