Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

sometimes we need to be reminded

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Good morning