It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
No, he would not have.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
one of
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.