Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

It’s his time

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.