It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”