Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown