It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
wow
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I’m an American/Canadian dual-citizen so I’m charging myself 25% more now, but also 25% again in retaliation against myself. Your move, Jesse.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
also my go-to takeaway order
