It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
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oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
The smoothest fall of all time
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*