Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

in 3 months

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

My good tweets are in my other pants.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

saving face 👀

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.