it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
You can’t rush stupid.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.