Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.