Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

In Canada they just call them geese

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

im all 3

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons