it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
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People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If looks could kill
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me