It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Botany good plants lately?