It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
yeah no that’s fair
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.