Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

Erm I’m gonna say no

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween