It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
“Wait, let me explain..”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage