It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.