Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

Coffee for people with no kids

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”