It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.