It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.