It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out