It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you