It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
🐶😂
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*